I remember a moment of my childhood.
Me, standing in front of the mirror.
Smiling my cheeky smile, gracefully combing my hair & complimenting myself, “You look beautiful”.
Then I didn’t know that one day I’ll stand in front of the same mirror with no smile, no grace.
Just wiping off my oily, messy face.
The only thing I could see is this girl with hollow cheeks & dead eyes full of nostalgia.
I was beautiful; innocent. I know.
But now I am a mess.
Lost within this ugliness.
Now I am no longer that mini-me full of love, joy, and innocence.
Then I had an urge to do something.
Now I am just as selfish as any member of this inhuman race.
I have left the warmth of happiness to please everyone else.
The little smudge of ugliness has covered my body.
Sucked me inside this black hole with no trace of humanity.
This ugliness is tearing my soul and ripping me off.
Once I was a bubbly child, jumping on every step.
Now I fear the judgement of each foot I place.
People don’t wanna see a grown “lady” running and laughing loud, because it’s against dignity.
Now I am living the very way others want me to.
Bounded by hundreds of rules, promises, boundaries created by the society that suits it well.
I am a murderer.
I killed that little kid, full of life and joy.
I murdered any spark of happiness that try to blossom inside me.
I slaughtered every bit of me just because I tried to fit in.
I am ugly because this shell is not me.
I am ugly because I am supressing my happiness and erasing every possibility of being who I am really meant to be.