Here’s why I am sinning by welcoming death. I have autism spectrum disorder aka Aspergers Syndrome which is a neurological development disorder and unfortunately has no treatment. Had I been diagnosed earlier, when I was still young, with different kinds of therapies including speech and occupational therapies and some antidepressants, my condition could have been improved but now that I have crossed 18, it’s practically impossible to treat this disease.
I can’t live an independent life. Therefore I am ending my life. You might call me an ego-centric person but trust me there’s no fault of mine for that. I was born that way. And the social anxiety, depression, and tension worsened my condition.
I have never been close to anyone and that’s because of my illness. I always told that I was selfish and a guy who didn’t understand feelings and that’s true to some extent. Hate me for who I am. I was stubborn and violent right from the beginning. That’s one of the reasons why I am autistic. I have never been able to make friends because I lack conversational skills. To and fro communications have always been practically impossible for me. If I live, I am going to make people around me suffer, and trying to make them understand my issues is just a waste of time. That’s why I have decided to leave the world. I have always thought my death would be so soothing to me. I have always felt right from the beginning that I was different.
Back then, I thought that was normal but never said anything about it to anyone. My peers would call me a duffer, an idiot, and a studious jerk. But I did not oppose what they said since I knew all those words they used to describe me were true. I was told that I was too shy for a boy. My relatives and others said this too. Boys aren’t shy. We live in a society where, mostly, girls are shy. Everyone who knew me or has ever known me has thought that I am too shy. Yes, you might call me shy. But trust me I am not. That’s one of the traits of autism. I have never liked going to parties because of my nature.
In a world full of normal people, how can I survive and thrive? How can someone who doesn’t know how to have back and forth conversation explain to someone why he dropped out of college? I have never in my life done anything on my own.
Anxiety and tension have always been a part of me.
I have always been depressed my entire life.
I don’t understand abstract things like love, pain, sorrow, grief, empathy, sympathy as good as the so-called intellectually normal people do. People are going to hate me if I just sit and eat and do nothing. I am becoming the same aggressive dude I was 10 years ago. I am afraid of who I am becoming. I have disrespected so many people around including my friends, folks, and colleagues. Whenever I sit among a bunch of people who are talking, I don’t understand them. I can’t keep track of what they are talking about. And that irritates me and my anger gets out of control. I see other friends of mine and they terrify me. They are so smart – far smarter than I am. They can talk, they can laugh (they understand jokes), they have a very good memory but I don’t. I do have a very good rote memory – but there’s no use of having a very good rote memory. They can do things on their own. I have seen younger kids who are far smarter than I am.
My condition is not a disease, it’s a neurological disorder that continues to persist throughout life. Physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally – I am weak in every fucking possible manner.
There are thousands of other reasons why I am doing this indomitable sin but I can’t write them all down. I am ending myself
You might call me a loser.
I deserve to be called one.
Note for all the parents around the world: If you give birth to a child, you must make sure that he/she is emotionally, mentally, socially, physiologically and physically strong, healthy and robust. If they are not, please get them all sorts of appropriate treatment.
A child raised in a silent, sad, depressed, and rebellious environment is going to be sad, unsuccessful, and depressed too.
PS-This post was strictly for awareness purposes only. Nothing bad has happened to the author of this suicide note. He received help from his friends and folks profoundly and thus he tricked Yamaraj, The Hindu God of Death.