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I was walking in the drizzle. High pitched roads with the euphonious music playing from my headphones made the walk more pleasant. The dark sky seemed to seek for eternity; so did my misery. The vintage textured leaves had already fallen from the trees and the new leaves had already covered the branches. My phone rang breaking the enormous silence. I disconnected the call. After a few minutes it beeped. It was dad asking me to come back home. I had left the home in an increased heart beat and clenched jaw. I sat on the bench near the aesthetic dark-green tree.Suddenly, time seemed to freeze. I couldn’t believe that my eyes were focusing on a bullet coming towards me. I remember the bullet entering my lungs disintegrating my ribs through my chest.I explained all this. I am desperate to know what happened next on 20th of Jan.

She is smiling as if I was reciting a story or a joke. I don’t know what’s going on. There is no scar on my chest or any part of my body. I want to go home! Her smile melted my wall when she shared her most captivating smile.I don’t know the whereabouts of my headphones or my phone. I am in the same grayish blue hoodie and trousers. I take her hands away from me and run towards my home. I see mom in a dark red sari with grey hair. I had never seen my mom with ‘grey’ hair. Dad comes towards mom and he compliments her. Mom chuckles. I am right in front of them. They cannot see me! I ran towards mom and hugged her. My body feels lighter like the air and passes through hers. I ran towards my room.


I can’t believe that my room is covered with beautiful flowers and the dark blue paint has faded. My paintings are attached to the wall. My guitar seems repaired. Now, my dark room seems beautiful. I rush towards my best friend Charlie’s home hoping he would feel me; or well my spirit. Turns out, he has already completed his school and left the city. I have no idea what year it is. I lie in my own universe of solitude sitting on the same bench where I was ‘shot’. No one could see me, my body. I tilt my head towards the north. I see her playing with the kids. I can’t say if the kids have actually been playing with her or if she is some other spirit with a tragic story. She’s able to find peace and strength from within and also have the ability to be flexible and accepting no matter the situation. She disappears in every fraction of a second. Sometimes I see her in the park and sometimes near my home. Her eyes are shiny blue textured. Her eyes seem to comprise the whole universe. She is coming towards me. The shade of her dark brown hair vibes with the waves of the ocean.

She is so calm and beautiful. She just moved her smooth finger through my hair. We are so close. The edge of her lips appears like the galaxy’s edge. Wait, I just heard ‘Augustus’. Did someone just call me? I see everywhere but there’s no trace. Oh wait. That’s my dad’s car accelerating and resulting in speedy movement. I am panicked. I cannot stop it. WAIT. Is that me in the front seat? Am I bleeding? Is that her in the black car coming from the opposite direction? I roll my eyes everywhere. That’s her in the black car. I can’t believe what i just saw. Both cars collided. There are people all around. I am breathing. She is dead. Now everything I see is getting blurred. I cannot see the scene anymore. Now everything has disappeared. I don’t know how many days or weeks or months have passed. Now we meet everyday below the dark blue sky with shiny bright stars. She hasn’t ever uttered a word. I can touch her. Only her. The accident scene has traumatized me. I want to know what happened after that. Did people forget me? I was never this desperate to live. I wanted to kill myself when i had every worldly pleasures with me. I remember fighting with my dad on 20th of Jan. He was right. I was high on drugs. I had made my life miserable. It was how I used to quiet everything in my head and focus on this one thing. I should have apologized to Charlie, mom and dad. I should have picked up dad’s call and replied to his text. If so, she would have been alive. I killed her. She died because of me.I should have loved myself.

— Khushee Das


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