I was lying helplessly on the hospital bed, the pain in my soul was competing with the excruciating pain in my womb. Hospitals have always made me anxious.
Ever since I had the unfortunate surgery a few years back when I almost lost myself, I have always feared the idea of visiting hospitals. Every time I had an appointment at the hospital, panic set in, the moment I stepped into the waiting area of hospitals. Probably it is the last place I want to be on earth ever. But often, I ended up being there. And there I was that day, fighting the anxiety, pain, and fear of losing myself again. The nurse who wheeled me into the radiology was standing at the end of my bed and the doctor was seated beside me on his chair clicking the buttons on his computer.
The doctor looked at me and said that he was going to insert the tube inside me to see what was going on. I knew what was going on… I was almost sure of what happened inside me…. But a tiny ray of hope was still there, somewhere hidden, that kept me from breaking down. For the first time, I wanted myself to be proven wrong, wrong about what I believed and what I was thinking. I would have given anything in the world to hear the doctor say that what I thought was wrong. I startled as I felt the tube inside me. The doctor spent a while moving the tube inside me trying to figure out what was happening. I looked at the ceiling, my hands clenched in a fist trying to keep the terrible pain inside, to keep myself from screaming. I could feel the tube being pulled out and heard the most heart-wrenching words ever, “I can see the fetus but…… I can not see any heartbeat…. You have lost the baby.”
30th of May 2020.
It was past five in the morning and I was awake, unlike any other morning when I usually slept until 7. My husband was fast asleep. My heart was racing, and my shaking hands were tapping on his back trying to wake him up from his slumber. I was excited, scared, happy, nervous and what not! Eyes half-opened, he turned towards me, least interested but still managed to ask what I was up to early morning. Nervously, I held it in front of him, the reading screen on his side, which read…. Pregnant, 3 weeks+!!!!
I was at the end of my first trimester. I had excitedly booked the next sonography appointment as I could not wait to see the little human being inside me bouncing in my womb… those little hands and feet…. and that little beating heart. I had spent days surfing the baby and motherhood websites, curious to learn about how my little one was developing each week inside me. Checking baby wears in the internet had become a part of my daily routine. As I was nearing the end of first trimester, I decided to sort out my clothing. Soon enough, I would start putting on weight and those lovely dresses I bought last summer would not fit me anymore. I made a mess of our bedroom that day, after he went to work, and spent hours putting away the dresses I adored and packed them in a suitcase.
Luckily, I had some oversized dress to get me going for the next trimester. I never felt so happy tucking away my dresses. I packed away my heels and pumps knowing I had to be careful with my footwear too. Then comes my bedroom pantry, where I store my chocolates, the pineapple cruiser that I love, and the candies. I removed the chocolates and wine from the shelves and stacked fruits and nuts instead. I kept telling my husband that we had to remove and rearrange the stuff in our bedroom to make room for baby bedding. I had checked baby beddings online and had already chosen a few. I knew it was too early for nesting, but I could not wait. I was just too excited. We often discussed the gender of the baby. Though it would not make the slightest difference, from deep inside I wished for a baby girl. And deep inside, I knew he wanted a baby boy. More than that, having a little one with us, no matter boy or girl, was more than enough to make us happy. We both were excited for the next sonography as it was likely that the doctor would be able to tell us if the baby was a girl or a boy…. But sadly, that day never came!!!!!
One of the days, I was having cornflakes for breakfast as usual, and he asked, “Is it good for the baby?” and he quickly asked for an answer, as always, with Google. And that was the case every day, every time, before I ate anything. One of those days, he put away the bottle of honey saying that it contained toxins that could harm the baby, I said nothing. He constantly kept track of what I ate every day and made sure that I go for a walk every morning. He had always wanted a child. We kept putting off our plans to have a baby for various reasons…. Life was not so easy, and we wanted things to turn better before we planned a family and finally it did.
I remember having the first ultrasound at 5 weeks. Just that tiny little bean-shaped being with a beating heart filled the entire space in my heart…. Made me a mother instantly. We were over the clouds as the doctor said that the baby was positioned in a good place and everything was normal. Little did we expect then, that our happiness would have a short life!
Weeks passed, one after the other, with the little one inside me growing little organs, filling the space inside me. I looked at him every now and then, and realised how happy he was, knowing that he would be a proud dad soon. Though the world around was going crazy with the coronavirus spreading around, with thousands of people infected and dying, there was so much of happiness in my little world…the joy of welcoming a precious little bundle of life filled our lives with so much happiness. I confined myself to my home and stopped going to work. I had to be careful and keep myself safe and away from the infection spreading around. I spent hours every day planning the days ahead of my pregnancy.
17th July 2020.
As usual, I finished my daily chores… I finished a bit of cleaning in the kitchen. There was a dull pain on my back which I thought was normal during pregnancy and hence was not too concerned. After a few hours, I went to the washroom and realized that I was bleeding. I was terrified. A chill went down my spine and panic set in. I had read somewhere that it was normal to bleed during pregnancy at some stages. I was worried but still convinced myself that it was nothing to worry about. An hour later, the pain set in… mild and lingering pain in my womb, and soon after, I started bleeding heavier than before. My womanly instinct told me that I had lost the pregnancy. I could not stop the tears flowing down my cheeks.
I texted my husband instantly and updated him. He said that it could be normal and told me not to panic. He left his work earlier than usual and came home. We both were worried but convinced ourselves that everything was alright. The whole night, I kept tossing and turning; the cramps were getting worse with every passing hour. More than that, the thought of losing the pregnancy was killing me from inside. I could hardly sleep all night. I remembered telling myself some time back that I was not ready to bear the pain of childbirth. I was happy but scared to confront that ultimate pain I would have to go through to bring the baby into the world. And now at that moment, I realized that I would give anything in the world and bear any kind of a pain to have this baby……. I idea of losing the pregnancy had started breaking me.
It was morning and the pain was getting even worse and the bleeding did not stop. I called the doctor and explained my condition. She told me not to panic but also, she told me to be mentally strong as she believed that I had lost my pregnancy. I was in tears…. we immediately went to the ED in the hospital and I was admitted. The place that I had always dreaded to be, and I was there again, doctors and nurses around me, those white-gloved hands, the medical equipment, and the awful smell of the hospital that I always hated. The nurse gave me some painkillers and I was lying on the bed… eyes upon the ceiling…. Dreading the moment… tears rolling down….
The nurse came and checked on me every 5-10 minutes. She asked if the pain was better. I said no. It was not getting any better. The nurses took my blood samples and told me they could not say anything until the reports were back. A lady doctor approached me and told me not to worry. She said that though I was bleeding, there are chances that the baby could still be safe…. Deep inside, I knew I had lost it but hearing the doctor say that, a tiny bit of hope sprung inside me…. and of course, miracles happen every now and then.
I spent hours staring at the white ceiling… with tears rolling down with the awful cramps that set in every 3-4 minutes… I got so used to it that I started feeling nothing. A grey-hair doctor approached me after a while and said that he would perform a quick ultrasound from the outside. The nurse prepared me, and it started…. I had no idea what the doctor was looking at on the screen… it was out of my view. At a point, he turned the audio on, and I could hear a plane whizzing sound…. no heartbeat…. I was still hopeful as the doctor left without saying anything to me and I heard him telling the nurse that I should be sent to have detailed sonography. Half an hour later, a lady arrived with a wheelchair and I was wheeled towards the radiology…. and I was lying there, staring at the ceiling again, my eyes fixed at the nothingness of the white ceiling…. and all I had at the moment were an ocean of tears, a happy soul that had been shattered and cracks in my heart that would never fill up ever again……
I would have given everything in the world,
To feel you growing inside me,
To feel your little kicks,
I would die for those dizzy mornings, the sore feet and body,
The mood swings,
I would give away everything and endure everything to keep you safe inside me,
Until the day you were ready to meet me outside in this world,
I did not get to hold you in my arms,
Or shower my endless love on you,
I did not get to hold those tiny fingers and kiss those soft lips,
I did not get to hear your first cry or see your very first smile,
Your first baby steps and the first word you speak….
I would have given everything to spend those sleepless nights to attend to your needs,
And clean up your mess every day,
I still had not picked up your first outfit,
And your tiny little shoes,
Your bottles were not filled yet and the bed was not set,
I did not get to see your eyes shine,
I wish I had a choice, a chance, a wish that could bring you back to me,
If only god would ask me what I wanted most of all,
My baby, without a second thought, I would ask for you,
You may not remember me, but I will never forget you!
***Dedicated to the one who was too precious for this earth***